I was at it again, another phone call, someone wanting me to do this or that. Could I check on something? Where can I buy one thing or another? What’s so and so’s number? What’s for dinner? Do we have any whatever and why not? Did you forget it at the store?
Until I came home from the hospital, I never realized how much I was doing or the many people that I was in contact with. I knew the Lord had been teaching me His peace and I learned a lot about the rest of faith that we are taught to enter in Hebrews 4, but I was still working too hard for gifts and blessings He had already purchased on the cross and feeling guilty if I didn’t help them, which was silly in a lot of cases, they could have done it themselves.
Needless, to stay I was still recovering. I had to relearn to walk. It was a long time before I could fix my own breakfast. I still had that unction to pray for others, to share God’s pure love. But I was not able to do what I had done before. And people close to me didn’t appear to notice. And that is good in a way, if they are seeing you for the lack of a better word, normal and a bad thing if it is just complacency.
Did it matter that I had to take a nap? Have someone drive me? That I had only a few visitors. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad others see me as a strong person, but it isn’t me, it’s Him. And it was especially when I walked in and out of a restaurant and in the grocery store, it was the Lord in me. And I was exhausted but I did it. I still felt like I was on call 24/7/365 and to an extent we are as believers and women of faith, but we have to slow down, take a breath, and be still before God.
So, I was saying ” No. ” And then, guess what? I was right back at letting guilt creep up on me. I started to do more to help my mother, who was really the only one taking care of me. And I didn’t mind, but I wasn’t used to holding onto countertops to walk through the kitchen. I was always standing over the laundry, not folding it in my lap. Have you ever attempted to sweep or mop a floor while moving a walker? It isn’t pretty.
I did not have to experience all this for me to understand pain or to have compassion on others. God did not put something on me, He did use it to get me back on track, slow down and to say no with no guilt, and not to worry what someone says if you didn’t go for a walk today or that you slept late. Or ate something you shouldn’t have.
You would think women would learn. I know we shouldn’t have to relearn what we know already, but sometimes we do and sometimes we just need to learn to say no again. I wrote about this in 2019, but I’m learning it again, too.
I felt guilty, that I could not walk, that my mother was having to do so much for me, that I gained weight. I felt bad that I may have said the wrong thing or prayed the wrong thing but I know He was right there and knew what I needed and when. And then I felt bad for not resting enough or receiving His peace enough. I really felt disabled and and disappointed but He was still loving me, and what I am no able to do, He certainly can and will in His time.
I don’t like the word disabled or enabler, even it is true that some are and other do help keep others in their situations or addictions. When we aren’t able, He is! And are we ever really able compare to Him? He can give us grace to rest and even to say no, if necessary.
I’m leaving a link to my old post, But if you don’t read it just look at how I closed it.
The God of peace will soon crush satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. Roman 16:20, if you need to, write this on your shoes, or on a post it and put it in there.
Canva Pro