Tears For My Father

I wept in the silence, in the stillness of the night. The tears were sobs of pain and sorrow and losses I could not bear. I wept as I wrote poetry and prayers, for myself and for others. I wept upon my knees, in my prayer closet. The floodgates of my heart had just overflowed with His love.

I wept a muffled sniffle. A single tear that would roll down a pink cheek, and moisten and smear my eyeliner as I swiped at it. I cried simple tears, hushed tears and loud ones. I cried in the day and in the night, when I was alone and with family. I cried for joy and for pain, for sadness and despair. I cried for others and I cried for me.

It wasn’t a disease, or depression, though at times, it was grief. I didn’t laugh or cry at the wrong times, in fact, I cried at the right ones, many times before a storm would make its way across my soul. Jesus wept, and He was my Lord. His love had forever changed a child’s heart, one that as a woman, was still that of a child of God.

He had filled my soul with living waters, rivers that flowed over me and cascaded from above like misting waterfalls of grace, but sometimes, instead of the mist by day and the fire by night, I walked as if I carried a protective umbrella and a little, black, raincloud followed me.

I carried an umbrella, alright. The shadow of the Lord’s mighty wings. My heart, His mercy seat. And the little, black, rain cloud that grew into a storm that wreaked havoc on my soul, cried for His peace, and He said. ” Be still. ” You see, I had learned not to cry, I was trying to have great faith, but that was foolish when even the Lord cried. What bad advice that was, not to let the devil see you cry, unless it was meant just to cry tp Lord, but it had not sounded that way, and my life was asking me to step up be strong, but I already was in the Lord, and like Hannah, my tears moved Him. And His moved me and His sacrifice, such great love for me.

The tears welled in my in my eyes, but He wanted me well and whole. His peace was my answer but it was deep.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your breakers and waves have rolled over me. The LORD decrees His loving devotion by day; and at night His song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life. Psalm 42:7,8.

I was trying to hold it all together, and it was already before the throne, already decided in heaven. It was already in the palm of His hand.  It had already been ransomed by the sacrifice of Christ. It was already prayed for, paid for, a covenant of His love and peace. I should have been rejoicing, instead of shedding tears.

I must have even mourned Jesus, but He was alive forevermore, It was just that I had not cried in so long. My heart was not hardened, not bitter, but bound by an enemy of deceit, I heard that that enemy should not see your tears. But not breaking down into the arms of the Lord, was enough to drive anyone to a breakdown, thankfully, I was spared that.

Surrounded by angels, and the Holy Spirit, in His love, he doesn’t see them. We listen to too many lies, falsehoods, slander that is murderous to the soul and for no reason. Finally, truth hit me, and I was released back into the reality of His love and grace and not trapped into thinking I was in control and I had to be doing something certain way or He would have answered me by now.

With the Lord and His peace fresh upon me, weeping a long night was over, and there is joy in the morning. He is my peace. And He wept for me. Just as He has wept for you and others. And angels surrounded Him. Fear that kept me practically standing on my head and reaching for Him, was now love.

And just like Jesus wept. I cried tears for my Father. And He collected them all in His bottle. Psalm 56:8

If you are experiencing grief or sorrow, He understands, Isaiah 53 says He was a man of sorrow and acquainted with grief, He has wept for us and it is alright for us to weep before him and shut the devil out, But He wants us to return to joy, and it is joy to know He had our tears in a bottle, and no two are alike.