Ministry Warrior? Me?

I have always loved Jesus and I knew He loved me. There were a lot of times I felt like I was failing Him, I was very oppressed. I had no one to turn to or talk to but Him, I went to a small Baptist church. everything you did was a sin, I had a Holiness friend, I was a sinner by her standards, no pants or make up, you could not even kid her without hearing that all liars went to hell.

I went to a Pentecostal church, but could not do everything or go everywhere with them. I did not have the money and scoliosis hindered me walking long distances. I was going by myself and watched other families, I didn’t even know how to take Communion and got laughed at, but the Lord saw my heart for Him. He is El Roi, the God who sees.

In Christian school, not an accredited one, they were just starting up back in the day, I was failing math and told God didn’t created me to fail. I was bullied but subtly, except for a couple of instances. I was measured for my dresses being to short, before uniforms came in, a girl who brought pot to class was passed on by.

I didn’t want to go to Bible college, though I enjoyed a visit to one. I was teased, and tormented. I wanted to be good and do good, but that is not always enough. It takes faith and it takes His anointing.

Writing was what I aspired to but never got to journalism school, having helped with kindergarten and my mother working daycare, I was used to taking care of children, even a cousin. I had someone want me to pursue an early education degree, I wasn’t interested, though daycare became my life to a degree, Jesus was always on the horizon.

I was so troubled in my twenties, but the Lord was working, had I only known His rest. It was a foreign concept to me to rest. I was busy from daylight to dark with very little to show for it. My dreams and something in me had died, and I was twenty four. I settled for less instead of God’s best, I begged the Holy Spirit not to leave me. Why would I do that? He promised he would not.

By the time I was in my thirties, I had run into charismatic teaching, I was more careful what I said and thought, People hated that, I sought the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Speaking in tongues had scared me as a girl of eleven, but I needed His power and love to overcome, He was working again but rest was still eluding me.

Most people just ignored me I suppose, they don’t believe you are healed if they don’t see it. I have been falsely accused of lying for claiming it, and I don’t like the term faith healer or the catch phrases, name it and claim it or blab it and grab it. The enemy that believers wrestle against is not flesh and blood and takes what we learn easily, and what we receive, the world is fallen, and we are subject to environment, both literal and familial or community. Blessings can come and go, be snatched if you are unaware, people really need to know Jesus, as Lord, protector and provider.

I saw Him as Lord, but waited, because I was told to. Now, I know that He had given me much for than I knew. I was called to deep. I remember telling my mother I did not want to be a Bible thumper and apologized to the Lord for that. I only meant it as a sounding brass and tinkling cymbal sort of way. Did I really want to be in ministry or did He want me? There was no way I would have considered it before but I thought my family would make it, and I might follow suit. Wrong! I can bless with my blog and words and pray. We all minister in some way. And I am seeing the difficulties of ministry, it is important to pray and intercede for those who are truly called for His purpose.

I thought it was way too hard, I was hurt way too much, and even blogging and seeing people in ministry being bombarded with attacks or suicidal, believe me, I understood. Why would anyone go through that? Jesus did, we are not greater that He is, people hated Him, I never thought I would have some of the attacks I had. And you know what I would not have survived without Him. Did I really want to be in the ministry? No way! Not me! Never, not a chance,  I just wanted to be writer, not shepherd a bunch or sheep who won’t listen.

I think I had to resist hating some ministers, and even fellow Christians, they were way too hard on me, and I had to not be on them but I had to believe what was right and say it, or keep quiet, if wisdom dictated it. Lord, what did you do to me? But I love you. We all minister in some way, some more than others, by His great mercy and grace, I will see what happens.

The world needs women warriors this winter, whether you actually do minister or just to your own family. Be still and know God, I’m still trying to do that.



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