When I Disobey The Lord


I have been disobeying the Lord. I can say that I was never a liar, I told a few things not to hurt someone’s feelings and I didn’t divulge everything, not to hide because unlike social media thinks. It’s not everyone’s business. I tried to help people I was nice. I even went above and beyond in many cases. I’ve never even smoked or drank, except a non alcoholic wine and I didn’t like it. I wasn’t out having one night stands or partying with drugs. I was a straight laced, tee-totaler.

In fact, I think I’ve been so nice that I’ve been trampled and it should have been the scorpions and snakes. I was as harmless as a dove, and not nearly as wise then. I know know how to seek wisdom.

I have learned about spiritual gifts. I know how much intercession accomplished and that angels are charged and ready. They will always be beside me as the Lord is. I know He will never leave me of forsake me no matter what. His love means everything to me. I never wanted to hurt the one I love most….but I have….

And I’ll tell you how….My heart has been troubled. And told me to not let it be.

I hurt Him when I worry instead of looking at the birds of the air. Matthew 6:25

I hurt Him when I am weary and burdened down. He wants me to rest as His beloved. Matthew 11:28

I hurt Him when I profess faith in His name and fail to call on it when days become dark. Jeremiah 33;3

I hurt Him when I fail to trust in Him, because I lean on me and not Him. Proverbs 3:5,6

I hurt Him carrying around the cares of the world. He cares for me. 1 Peter 5:7

I hurt Him when I try to guard my own breaking heart and He wants to with His peace that passes understanding. Proverbs 4:23, Phillipians 4:7

I hurt Him when I keep shedding tears when His bottles are overflowing and He has already shed them for me. Psalm 56:8, John 11:35

I hurt Him when I toss and turn and night and get up to pray, for He gives sleep to the beloved. Psalm 127:2

I hurt Him when I question everything I know, because He chose me. John 15:16

I hurt Him when I am overwhelmed and I don’t run immediate to Jesus the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2

I hurt Him when I lose hope for He is my hope. Hebrews 6:19

I hurt Him when I lose my joy, because He said no one could take it, for He is my joy.  John 16:22, Psalm 43:4

I hurt Him when I lose my peace, because He is my peace. Micah 5:5, Ephesians 2:10

I could go on, but I won’t. I have had an ongoing battle with the enemy, one that I’ve been trying to fight. I stood in faith, confessed the Word, the battle raged and I was afraid. I tightened my armor and it was heavy, so the Holy Spirit became my armor and the sword of the Spirit was my weapon of choice and still as one of my warriors of grace I fought on.

I have seen many people healed, I know my prayers are heard and answered. I just didn’t know how to fight a battle that was coming close. I dug in, I hid in the secret place of my soul…..I was restless and weary but about a week ago, my joy returned and even that has been under attack, I have to be still and let Him fight for me, because in some instances, I have done all I can do. I have to let go of frustration, fear, anger, torment, mockery. It is all the wicked one, and he will not touch me.

For I do not want to hurt my loving Lord. He has overcome so I can and will. He fights for me, He understands fear, He delivers me from it because I am righteous in Him alone, no other way.

I never thought of myself as disobedient, sins of omission outweighed commission, but I am feeling a guilt and shame, not like the railing accusations of the enemy who’s scathing insults pierce the pure heart of a believer like an arrow or throb like the dagger into your back, no this is a knowing.

A knowing from studying Jesus. I am walking in disobedience, I am letting my heart be troubled and afraid, and He said not to. His word is good. It is good enough for me, my life depends on it, but He gave His for me, if I cannot trust Jesus, there is no one else I could.

Let’s pray together today, Father, in Jesus name, I have been afraid, my heart has been troubled, I want to obey you in this. For worry will not make me change, nor the circumstance, not the people in need of prayer. And it only hurts me, contributes to illness and doubt. Help me to overcome and to be of good cheer, you are my hiding place, I refuse to let my heart be troubled or afraid. I will not move away from your words. Rebecca Jones







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