I read the audience of one line somewhere this week in a blog post I read. I liked it. I have seen people pleasing all my life. I have seen the run ragged, working your fingers to the bone and what do you get bony fingers. I have seen the butter uppers, yes men, and do anything to get ahead ofs, the walk overs, push overs, those who would trample over you and not look back. The people who will do it anyway, even when told not to and swear they didn’t.
Have you ever had someone come to your house when you said, ” Now, just isn’t a good time. ” ( My poodle was passing away, went to heaven that night. ) I have. I have had relatives back me off at Thanksgiving and women pass me almost chest to chest to get past me. Never again. Not anymore. I’m not a door mat. And I’m not mean. I was the nice girl who finished last even though Jesus wanted me to stand up for Him.
When I started understanding condemnation and accusations. I started standing up for me. It took a lot of reading, writing and soaking in the water of the Word like a spa bath, to let out all the toxins, for me to believe I was a Daughter of the King, God was in Me I Would Not Fail. I was loved. I was His Beloved. I was His Child.
He made me a new creature. I was crucified with Him. He prepared things for me to do. He went ahead of me, gave me the desire of both His heart and mine. I was free indeed. Because I didn’t feel free, didn’t mean I wasn’t. Because I was in pain did not mean He wasn’t healing me. It meant I had an enemy, adversary, accuser.
I had to overcome with my testimony and by His blood. That blood stands between the accuser and myself. I don’t have to listen to Him. I wanted to write. I wanted to work writing good television. It didn’t happen, it should have. I prayed for it. I know He answered. But I believed the accuser, and his lies, God can not by the blood and body of His Son.
I’m not better than anyone, though I may not have been a big sinner. I don’t think I’m better or smarter. To the contrary, I know there’s a lot I don’t know. Do I deserve better? Yes. Because I let the devil put me under his foot when Jesus had come down on him. Some people thought when I wasn’t working or had a ” real job “, I was lazy, wrong. Most didn’t even know abouth my health deteriorating, mental and physical.
I caught accusations right and left, in my head, my heart and from others. I was ridiculed, but so was Jesus. Now, I stepped out in cyberspace, something I thought I’d never be able to do because of fear. More accusations. I heard how bad things can be. I have had nothing but good experiences and expect to continue to. Regardless, of a few naysayers.
I have chosen to be Mary of Bethany, and worship at His feet. I tried waiting on people. I was the brother of the Prodigal not realizing the Father I had. I was the wounded one on the side of the road, but the priest passed me by and there was not even a Good Samaritan. I was the woman with the issue of blood and the one with the spirit of infirmity, but I was loosed.
I, like Mary, pondered it in my heart. Dreamed like Joseph, loved like Christ, forgave, I had too. So, I wanted to shine His love on others, first, He had to shine on me. And no matter what anyone may say or regardless of accusations. I am not a one woman show. I did nothing to be seen of myself. I am happy in the background, but if He wants me to be anything different, He will perfect it.
I am no longer the person I was nor will I be, I will keep growing in grace. And I don’t have to worry about how many people read something or books I may sell. He keeps the records, He can tell me later who I touch, just as He touched me. I am not looking for an audience even though I have one. And a good one. A perfect one. One willing to accept the love of Jesus and His grace.
He is the most important to me. the love of my life Jesus, I play to an audience of one. Rebecca Jones